A Good Day to Die Hard: The Review

Posted on February 20, 2013 Updated on February 20, 2013

Probably a good day to end the series to be honest….

I think I’ll start off this review that way I usually do… with my underpants off and my bollocks resting on my spacebar… writing any more than this is putting in WAY more time than everyone else did for this film, but I suppose we’ll SHTART!

A few weeks ago, I expressed some concern with the title “A Good Day To Die Hard”.
Besides me imagining a man dying in full boner form on a sunny good afternoon( Die “HARD” geddit?), I found the name cleverly coaxes you into thinking its going to be a “fun” movie and that you are going to have a “”””””””good”””””””” time. The fucking GAWL of it all!!

A Good Day To Throw Bricks At Producers has the colour palette variety of Spanish grass and I know this often sounds like a minor complaint in a movie which is supposed to be gritty and rough, but I often feel like stapling my arse cheeks together when a film doesn’t vary it’s look once in a while during it’s runtime ( Which is mercifully short by the way).
I find it VERY noticeable… like waking up and GO TOBANN you notice your wife of 10 years is actually a man named Derek and NOW he’s stealing all your soap…
To give you an “out there” example the 80s Tron gives me a fucking headache. Tron looked like a slightly more colourful technical graphics junior cert project from a one-armed blind child who couldn’t reach the desk on the day. Like a disabled child though Tron was let down only by it’s technical and physical limitations. A Good Day To Buy A Rope looks like someone decided to put it through a BORING filter in post production.

I have reviewed The House at the end of the street and Battleship and I summarised that if these movies were dreams then you would be having a double cheese related nightmare, BUT AT LEAST we all KNEW those were going to be Xmen: First Class bollocks before watching. Generally If you’re going for number 2, you expect shit if you catch my drift.

I have experienced disappointment a few times in my life but nothing compares to this horse meat( And they say my reviews aren’t topical..).
This disappointment level is like being promised Disney World for your birthday but when the day actually comes it’s 1943 and the gates of auschwitz are shut behind you (Quite an awkward moment actually)

Next point: The Plot is shit and THAT shit is badly directed.
I’m not really sure what to give out about first here. The script is woeful, that much is
crystal-mazingly clear. John goes to visit his son in Moscow, his son is a spy and John gets involved in his son’s anti-terrorist mission to his son’s disapprovement or something like that…I couldn’t really pay attention the movie was shaking so much I thought it was waving at me.
So should a good director REALLY be expected to make a GREAT thing out of something with the movie subject matter equivalent of fisting a dog for your lost car keys? I should confess that after this movie, besides taking a long look at myself in the mirror to check my face didn’t get jammed in the how-could-you-do-this-to-me post-rape face forever,  I re-watched Die Hard 3.….with a vengence (………Shoots self). Die hard 3 though had some excellent action set pieces and clever writing and it doesn’t take too long to work out why it’s much better. One of the major reasons is the characters and their relationships.

In A Good Day To Get High On Calpol, the relationship between the 2 leads is
balls-to-the-wall balls. Between him and his son their relationship can be summed up in 3 words…… DADDY WASN’T THERE!!!!..This is exactly the same in Die Hard 4.0 with his daughter but I really think a relationship like this works better with a girl and father especially when you use the tough/moody/over-protective father angle. In A Good Day to Winge About The Past In Inappropriate Circumstances his son just comes off as a whiny fuckbag with all the charm and grace of something you would pick out of your pizza because you didn’t order it in the first place…. His son is supposed to be a spy so hearing him bitch at John for not being a better father in the middle of a a Russian gunfight ISN’T contributing much and he does this about 10 fucking times! Imagine if Batman pulled this shit everytime someone asked him about his relationship with his parents…

In A Good Day To Play an Erotic Game of Buckaroo Instead there are a few twists in the story and characters, but even THAT is so overdone it falls into Emperor Palpatine Star Wars syndrome i.e. Ya sure Palpatine… You planned everything from the start and it wasn’t bad writing?.. sure sure….. In Die Hard there is no way the bad guys could have this planned out from the start. It’s all WAY too circumstantial, but everytime you have a chance to think about a plot failure the movie dangles something shiny in front of your face as if you are a possessed cat.

On the lead, Bruce Willis couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag in this and he doesn’t seem to care too much in many interviews about it either. TAKE IT AWAY BRUCE!

It all screams of him being contractually forced to do the movie doesn’t it?

The 15a rating bothers me a lot too just like it did in the 4th installment. John can’t even say his own catchphrase for fucks sake!

And in Problem #45(I’ve ran out of space on my abacus):
The dialogue is embarrassing
Example: John is looking for a special important file with important information YADI YADA… so we cut to a shot of john looking out at a large group of machinery on a roof and he says this wooper..
John:
“Wow that’s a lot of hardware for one file”
There is also an extremely awkward Taxi scene at the start with a Russian driver that is frost-bitingly unfunny and I think is supposed to mirror the similar discussion John has with the black Limo driver in Die Hard 1, but fuck it’s like a plane crash between 2 cars.

Conclusion:
I find this movie hard to review, because it was so forgettable.
Very disappointing. Barely worth talking about to be honest…. I believe it’s doing quite well at the box office too which makes me a sad panda for future action movies…

SKIP IT!

I’ll give this movie a 3/10 on the chainsaw scale:

/10

Hitchcock: A Short Review that became a little bit longer…(A rant of biographic movies)

Posted on January 17, 2013

Why didn’t I cop the fuck on that this was Helen Mirren when I was watching this? UGH!

YES !! Another biographical movie! The fun man’s documentary!
All the excitement of a shitly referenced wikipedia page in movie form!
What could possibleye go wrong? Obviously it can’t go wrong. (BOLLSHIT!)

Boring plot part:
This movie deals with the famous director Alfred hitchcock’s( Played by Anthony hopkins) struggle as an aging director to bring his audience something new. This focuses on  Psycho ( Released in 1960) and his struggle to make the film and ughhhhhhhh( Here we go) his failing marraige…. but we’ll get to that later. Hitchcock himself is having visions and going flat out batshit crazy blaghdy blaghdy blagh.

Right!

Now you have to wonder HOW making a movie out of a filmmaker’s life, who has made some of the greatest movies ever made could be worse than say… a movie about a social networking website, which has source material that should make up the ingredients of a shit sandwich on the screen. The Social Network movie managed to make a gay rowing scene look like what Die hard 4 should have been, whereas Hitchcock struggles to make a naked stabbing look like what die hard 4 became.
So why do I keep bringing up the Social Network and Die Hard 4? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. Let’s move on..

Before I watched this, I was wondering why it got nominated for barely anything at the Oscars and in fairness I can kinda see why. There’s something very “tv-movie” about this thing. I can’t quite put into words what’s wrong with this film but I can certainly put it into numbers 010101010011010 (Sorry couldn’t resist 0101010101

Yes I feel this film kinda missed the point a little. It kept misfiring like a blind man in an orgy. While it was a good idea to focus on Psycho, the other half of the film was focused on his failing relationship with his wife (Hellen Mirren). But………nobody… really cares that he’s not being a good husband? If he’s not “hitching” the “cock” why should we care? (Apologies to everyone everywhere anytime for that one)

A lot of films have an annoying habit of doing this actually. I saw a Beatles film once that was about john Lennon’s relationship with his mother.. What the flying fuck like?
It’s like making a film about a young Adolf Hitler’s battle through German Measles. We don’t really care about that aspect of his life, just show us what it was like to make the pretty movies.
The Iron Lady had a similar problem and focused too long on her present day condition rather than her fucking up England in the past (Oh the Irish in me), which is what we all really care about.
I’m also to learn that the latest Lincoln movie has a similar problem that I won’t EXACTLY spoil for you buuuuut let’s play some role play for a minute.

Imagine!!!:
YOU are a director!
YOU have to make a  movie about the life of Abraham Lincoln, which should be a rather heroic tale of battling against all odds with a tragic finale and some other tits..
We all good?..Ready?… Noooowwww.

QUESTION TIME FUCKERS!
Q.WHAT do you think the most iconic scene in a Lincoln movie SHOULD be if you DON’T want your audience to plunge headfirst into their popcorn for 5 minutes without taking a breath..

….

Yes that’s right!!! The part where Lincoln get’s shot and DIES! BUUUT our golden globes’ best picture left that little chestnut out!

Jesus Christ:[ On leaving out obvious shit in movies]” Those Bastards!”

Revengeofthesurfboardingkillerbikinivampiregirls is never going to watch Lincoln because I’m washing the upstairs carpet every day for the rest of my life, even though I live in a bungalow with wooden floors.

You see Hitchcock’s wife is “almost” having an affair……… Ya she doesn’t even do it. There’s your main problem with the film.

Otherwise It’s fairly well acted, is thankfully short .
There are other things wrong with this film, but I just made this to get my biography movie rant out there so I’m done.

5/10 chainsaws on the chainsaw scale. 

The house at the end of the street: The Review/Assault!

Posted on September 27, 2012 Updated on January 17, 2013

AND I’M REACHING OUT… FOR MY CAPS LOCK KEY!

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the title of this movie. We have had a horror house based on every geographical landscape,material and feature known to the human race at this point. I’ll even make some of them into an nice ordered list for you.

1: House on a haunted hill,
Number 2: Last house on the left,
Thursday: The house of Wax,
Yesterday: Big Momma’s house 2
and plenty of other horror films.

The film starts (as many do) with a credits roll(as many do) and then goes downhill to an earth-core-hell-like-level of cock and balls. Fear not both my fans however, revengeofthesurfboardingkillerbikinivampiregirls has such will that he made it through ALL of this film.. RIGHT till the end with only ONE ball sack stapled to his forehead…. but it was a close call(No really the bleeding was tremendous).

First problems first: The plot.
A mother called Sarah(Played by Elisabeth “The shue” Shue) and her daughter called Elissa(Played by Jennifer Lawrence) have moved home to this neighbourhood where the house at the side of the street(I just blew up) has played host to a muooorder. It seems the Daughter (Called Karen) was tired of her parents because they were listening to far too much Billy Ray Cyrus than the tolerated human quota and decided to kill them(it happens). Now her creepy brother Ryan lives there(Played by a man with less emotion than 0.69 milligram cardboard). Karen is living in Ryan’s basement and Elissa is showing affection towards Ryan, despite her mother’s(The Shue) disapprovment.

Somewhere at about 5.54 seconds into this, you’ll quickly begin to indentify the main problem with this film……..it’s shit.

Problem# 234?2 is the dialogue.
It’s like they blindfolded the screenwriter, tied him to a chair and slapped him in the back of the head with a twister board and had a group of onlookers try to decipher his concussed words. At one incredible point in the movie they have Elissa singing one of her “”””””””””””hit””””””(add an s)  songs where some of the words are “Woudn’t it be sweet if you could fall in love with me” “all you gotta do is fall in love””all you gotta do is fall in love””all you gotta do is fall in love” and (wait for it) “all you gotta do is fall in love”[written credits go to the songwriting genius who ctrl-V’d those lyrics together earlier that morning after a piss-up]. The film tries to hammer home the point she is TEH SHIT in music, like she even has her own MYSPACE rockband page.”WHOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” said the excited gerbil..

Your 678th problem is that there are a lot of scenes in this film that make no sense
like for an example: MOST OF THEM!
There is one where Ryan is sitting in a diner and the waitress asks him if he wants some free food….He mumbles something about needing acting lessons…….but then she offers him some free milk… he then mumbles something about polo shirts being back in……and the scene ends and I’m wondering where my pants went after I’d flung them across the cinema in excitement after such HARD-hitting suspense. SO HARD! I was flabbergasted after it, I had to take a bathroom break to check if my face was ok after being hit so HARD…
Seriously though I couldn’t give a flying shit if he wanted milk with his breasts, WHY did that scene have to happen? In fact most of the “character development” points have no point at all.
Elissa being a bono-like god at rock music despite being only able to sing in a flat key of Ab ( Just like Bono then…), her mother’s( The Shue) divorce from her father, her mother being a fairly piss-poor parent because she was a whore during her high-school days and thats just to name a few. This film is aids-ridden with pointless shite like that. Let’s ask Rihanna what she thinks of the directing style in this movie..

Rihanna[on the directing style in The house at the end of the Street]: “CLEARLY the director did not select techniques that create story parallelism and meta-fictional intertextuality”

I could go on listing what is wrong with this film , so I will…

Problem 1009.89( Round it off to the nearest decimel point) is Ryan. Ryan is the boy next door mental case who is Elissa’s love interest but…. imagine having to deal with this all the time..
Typical conversation with Ryan:

Elissa: I love your house it’s so big, there is so much space!
Ryan: That’s because everyone is dead…
Elissa: Am… ok.. this room is nice.
Ryan: I haven’t been in there for 4 years, that’s where my sister killed my parents. Come into the garden, take a look at this…
Elissa: Am nice tree?
Ryan: I see faces in this tree at dawn and that’s where my sister fell off her swing and got brain damage.
Elissa: Why do you stay up till Dawn anyway?
Ryan: Because dawn is where the unthought thoughts are thought the most..
Elissa: I love Dawn
Ryan: I’m not sure what love is anymore….

This sort of conversation happened about 6 times in the film. I nearly choked on the chair material in front of me from laughing.

He holds this face for the full 101 minutes runtime folks.

OH THE ENDING:
I KNEW there was going to be a twist at the end of this film as well because A) I’m a timeless genius who is able to tell the difference between bottle milk and carton just by the scent but less importantly B)….

IT SAYS IT IN THE FUCKING MOVIE POSTER!

I cannot go into words about how annoying this is so I’ll just spit on a nearby child in anger.
*spits*

The ending I came up with was actually better than what was laid. It’s so complicated to explain here in text, but I honestly didn’t know what happened. Basically Ryan is a pyscho all along( oh by the way SPOILERS) who accidentally killed his sister and has captured a random girl in his basement all along because of his guilt pretending it’s his dead sister……UGHHH.

Conclusion:
You know a film is bad when you( The audience) can conceive a better ending in the same time the last 30 minutes the film is running at. It takes no risks at all, it’s not NEARLY violent enough to justify being a 15a horror movie. Normally with movies like this, you get a group of teenagers that get picked off one-by-one but in this?… a mother and a daughter? Unless we had some creative writing, this was going to be difficult to pull off so does

FUCK NO!

Final words:
I would call it disappointing but when you go for number 2, you generally expect shit…

This film gets a slap of
 /10 CHAINSAWZ!
on the chainsaw rating scale!! 🙂

Dread 3d: The Judgement (HOHOHO!)

Posted on September 17, 2012

Dread 3d: The Judgement (HOHOHO!):

…….Hold on a shitting second?

The film began with an interesting story about a young man withBLAAAAAGH.. fuck it this movie has no plot and it’s proud of itself. This is a straight forward action movie where the character and his sidekick begin at the bottom of a tower and have to fight heir way to the top of the tower and it’s a good one too.

Battleship (The short review):

Posted on September 17, 2012

Battleship (The short review):

I lasted 49 minutes with battleship(the film) only to find there was an hour and a half left. I thought there was only 10 minutes left. I thought I was getting soft with films in my older age but fuck me hard that was some trollop. Nobody even said “they sunk my battleship” christ if your film is going to be bad they might as well give us the motherload like.

Summary:

pros:

Prometheus: The Review

Posted on June 11, 2012 Updated on June 11, 2012

” A barren wasteland.. a picture of despair and hopelessness….”
[James Cameron on Ridley Scott]

Prometheus: The Review

Ridley Scott really seems to have his hand in some metaphorical shit when he directs sequels doesn’t he? Remember Hannibal? You don’t?…… let’s move on..
Sequels obviously aren’t his strong spacesuit and that’s ok, apparantly neither are remakes because he directed “Robin Hood” ,which I heard was so boring you wished you had instead booked a plane to Switzerland and invested in a euthanasia suicide. Now of course we’re on prequels with promethues so I’m sure everyone is led to wonder how he will get on with this film? ( Spoiler alert:…….ugghhhhhhh)

It’s been less than 24 hours since I last saw the fucking movie and I couldn’t tell you a single character name without “wiking” my “pedia” and that’s not a good starsign( Ok I’ll stop this now). I mean there was that smoking guy who made teh smoke and made teh funny jokes and the girl with the white hair who complained a lot and stuff and other characters that camouflage into a a flat unimaginative ocean-grey wall. At least Hunger games sufficatingly bad as it was, dressed its characters up in “fuck off” bright colourful attire so you couldn’t miss them with 20:20 vision at close range with a bazooka.

Let revengeofthesurfboardingkillerbikinivampiregirls explain to you about something that REALLY makes me want to punch holes through a small child. Bad movie endings! Yes THAT old chestnut is been opened again….
A shedload of movies have been guilty of it lately. Exhibit A: Deathly Hallows part 2 where only clairevoyant space martians from the land of Oz could understand the thing(To be fair I blame most of this on J.k Rowling’s bad LSD comedown rather than David Yates’ “traffic” worthy directing) or Exhibit Z: Super 8 where it became self-aware half-way through and felt like it ended mid-sentence. It also only seems to happen to films with such enormous potential as well. I believe that the last 30 minutes of a film are mostly the most important of a movie(…..mostly). If it was Michael Fassbender doing his accounting spreadsheets for the first 1 hour of Prometheus, but had a jaw-to-the-basement ending then all will be forgiven. BUT believe it or not( Ripley’s… lol)… it doesn’t.

revengeofthesurfboardingkillerbikinivampiregirls’s physical reaction to bad endings in movies…

We’re 4 paragraphs in and I haven’t even touched on what the film is about yet…. and i won’t either I’ll let pikiwedia do that little work for  me. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prometheus_(film)#Plot
Don’t be surprised if the #plot part creates a broken link(OH SNAP!)

Let’s talk about some good in the movie. I’ll even put this in a nice ordered list for you.

1: T3h 5pec1al 3ff3cts are g00d
57: T3h Mus1c is G00d3r
3678?: Th3r3 ar3 s0me good scenes INIT!

There was a funny death scene in the movie involving a flame thrower, which I always enjoy but that’s typical of the Alien franchise. You couldn’t move from the throwing of flames in the first 2 films. They were just flaming(….).
That’s about it really. About 78.45 into the film I took a piss break, so unless an important plot point happened or michael Fassbender got his lad out, I missed nothing.

I’ve seen a lot of reviews defend this movie based on the fact it’s a “thinking mans” movie in a world where modern movies have to appeal to the “everyman” as well as the intelligent audience member. Ok fair enough, in a world of Michael Gay and that other one Roland Emmerdick or something, it IS nice and refreshing to have a movie that challenges the audience……except this isn’t it….. I’m led to believe that even the most basic scientific inaccuracies in this movie could put christianity to shame..
http://gizmodo.com/5917079/neil-degrasse-tyson-calls-out-prometheus-for-its-sketchy-science

Speaking of plotholes there are enough plot holes to fit the holocaust victims into. The plotholes in these kind of movies need to be fucking airtight. A movie that is a “thinking-mans” movie can’t have characters WITHOUT motivates or inconsistencies in the story. I’m very unsure about what the android’s motive was for instance. I understand that it was programmed by Waylon but was it to kill the doctors or not? At this point in the film I was too busy testing the vibration settings on my phone down a leg of my trousers so I lost a bit of interest. What do you expect though when you get Damon Lindelof to write a script though. Let’s just say it’s no wonder we felt a little bit “””””’lost””””””’.

In terms of acting, Michael Fassbender is the most emotive and therefore interesting character in this movie and he’s a fucking android. How does that EVEN happen? Did Ridley walk into the studio everyday,look into the mirror and say to himself “I am not going to direct today….. I don’t know what I’m going to do but directing isn’t going to be it”.
I could direct a better toasting session!

All references to the Alien franchise should have been removed also, I can’t really tell you what they are without spoiling the movie though, but let’s just say I truly believed we had gotten past the “and-there-is-1-creature-that-you-forgot-to-kill-and-will-probably-be-back-for-a-sequel-depending-on-how-well-THIS-movie-does-so-fuck-you” ending made famous by classics like Godzilla(1998) and the super mario brothers movie(1993) but It’s present here in mind-blowing 3 dimensions.

Sigh I suppose it could be 100 times worse to be fair. Like battleship or something…

Rihanna[on the directing style in battleship]: “I personally believe that in this movie the director has selected techniques that create story parallelism and meta-fictional intertextuality”(… I can’t argue with that)

Prometheus simply felt like it didn’t know what it wanted to be. “Alien”(1979) can be classified as a Sci-Fi horror and “aliens”(1986) as a Sci-fi action flick and both do their job admirably. This wanted to combine both and it felt strange and confused at times, especially the last 30 minutes. The characters are fairly weak as it’s attempt at comedy but that can be forgiven. The overall story has balls but doesn’t feel like it finishes properly. I understand that it wants an element of Theology and mystery to it but you still feel empty and I really think it will be remembered as a misfire in the franchise.

Verdict:
7/10 chainsaws on the chainsaw rating scale( copyright (c)revengeofthesurfboardingkillerbikinivampiregirls)!

Hunger Games: Teh Review

Posted on April 3, 2012 Updated on September 17, 2012

The movie title could be a reference to the prices of cinema food I guess…

Teh Review

We’ll start with the arse-rippingly glorious trailer for this movie.

Revengeofthesurfboardingkillerbikinivampiregirls.wordpress.com’s first reaction while viewing this trailer was generally positive. I didn’t feel like jumping up and down like I’d eaten a bad spicy cabbage, but I was enthusiastic. The plot of the movie goes something like…

The story takes place in a post-apocalyptic future in the nation of Panem, which consists of a wealthy capitol surrounded by 12 impoverished districts. HOHOHO we’re off to a good start.
As punishment for a past rebellion against the government, the Capitol initiated the Hunger Games—a televised annual event in which one boy and one girl from each of the 12 districts are selected in a lottery as “tributes” and are required to fight to the death in an arena until there is one remaining victor.

When the protagonist Katniss Everdeen (Lawrence) hears her younger sister’s name called as the female tribute for their district, she volunteers to take her place in order to save her from having to participate. Joined by her district’s male tribute Peeta Mellark (Hutcherson), Katniss travels to the Capitol to train for the Hunger Games.

/shamefully ripped from Wikipedia

It sounds entertaining enough but here’s problem number 1…. It has a love story that makes up half the movie.

The very IDEA of this movie, should appeal to young teenage boys with holes in their pockets. It’s a death match game show. Our first instance of violence in the movie is seeing a guy smash someone in the face with a brick… Amazing!! I do understand though in this age we like our stories to pose more moral questions such as: Can love bloom in a battlefield? Can the act of violence ever be justified? Do the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few? Why as a 14-year-old girl do I have premature beard growth? and other pressing questions and issues people have with life..

There are times when I long for simple action movies like ‘Commando’ where there is nothing but a one-dimensional plot and hands down the best deer-feeding montage I’ve ever seen. This movie is what the running Man did more than 20 years ago with a very similar plot and looser balls. Ok so The Running Man was about as exciting waking up in the khalamari desert on Christmas day, but it knew what it was.

There is actually very little fighting in this at actually. You’ll be glad for that though because it feels like Michael J Fox is doing the camera work if you know what I mean. I’m not the world’s biggest fan of shaky cam and I’m pretty sure shaky cam doesn’t like me either. I haven’t seen camera work this good since bad Boys II (and I’d say that in the same tone of voice I’d use to announce that my ice-cream is banana flavored after ordering vanilla). Maybe for Bad boys III, They’ll film the action scenes by throwing an iphone camera down a nearby staircase.. I don’t know anymore.

But on a serious note (lol), I have to compliment the makeup and art-style in this movie. I’m also getting the impression they know it’s bloody good too (Up-its-own-arse-syndrome if you will). When they reach the ‘capitol’, it looks like there had been an explosion in a nearby ‘whore makeup’ factory. Everybody seems to look like a watercolour washout of Roland Macdonald.

I’d think twice before following something that looks like this back from my trampoline lessons..

I do feel like it gives the movie a good sense of shhhhhtyle though. But to be honest I’d rather drink cat piss than sit through another brownish greyish greenish run-of-the-mill war movie. Overall it’s a pretty movie and isn’t that all we ask for in a good film?…………..it’s not?

The acting is great too. I suppose at this point I should speak about the obvious role-reversing this film tries to do. Peeta is such a fucking whining shitbag in this movie. Besides being able to lift and throw a large bags of flour and makeup skills that put the best emos to shame, he is pretty much deemed useless in this movie in every possible way.(No sex either). Katniss on the other hand is independent, strong, determined and quite obviously a lesbian. Who is wearing the pants here I ask the court?

Our Male Hero Peeta. Look at that face…you can trust that face….Seriously though you wouldn’t shake your tik-taks at that face.

Back to the district of shittyness now though. There is a ‘tragic’ scene in the movie, where one of the 12-year-old little girl ‘tributes'(Rue) gets a javelin thrown through her in spectacular fashion and dies from impalement (Obviously. It would have been kinda awkward and bad timing if she died from a bad combover at this point). Now I’d imagine this is one of those moments that was better in the novelisation but our large breasted heroine Kattniss( I know I know catpiss right? Just go with it) REALLY seems to be broken up by this despite sharing only about 3 sentences of dialogue with Rue. (Rue pretty much calls her a whore at one point even).So Kattniss sings a song REALLY badly to the girl on her dead bed, grabs her flowers, has a silent shouting fit while the soundtrack blares heroic tragic trumpet music in my fucking ear and then buries the poor girl( would have been funnier if she was still alive at this point really ) Just when you thought they were done hammering the white guilt in, we’re back! and she’s STILL crying and I’m STILL holding my piss and I should have went hours ago! I think out of sheer sadness I made a noise that others might have considered a small sob but it was more of an inverted sneeze on my part.

The soundtrack was kinda forgettable. To be honest I don’t think I would have noticed it even if they had played ‘sexual healing’ while Katniss was burying Rue.

The ending also leaves a lot to be desired. It kinda just becomes self-aware and ends… ..am ….Thanks? Some guy with an oddly shaped beard, stares at blackberries. I don’t want to spoil the whole thing really( Katniss is a Sumo Wrestler).

Conclusion:

What I think we have here is a movie that tries its very best to appeal to a male and female audience.. well everyone really. I do believe it compensates in a lot of areas to achieve this. There is just about enough violence and action to keep the males happy and just about enough sandwich making to keep the females happy.

I have never read the book, but I sometimes feels like the idea of this movie is more dark and violent than the execution. Somehow it manages to feel empty. I believe the movie was a 15A rating, but for a movie of this kind I don’t think it’s enough. I think the dramatic parts overpower the action parts a little too much.

I feel as if the ending was a little rushed too and predictable not to mention cheesy. Frankly everything after they brought the berries into it was a ball of cheese.

It was however an enjoyable movie and I do recommend you at least check it out. It doesn’t deserve anything NEAR classic status though, which I felt it could have achieved with source material of this kind.

The Lo-down…bitches:

Special effects:  8/10 

Acting:  9/10

Story: 6/10

Soundtrack: Blagh/10

Overall: 6/10 chainsaws on the chainsaw scale!