The house at the end of the street: The Review/Assault!

Posted on September 27, 2012 Updated on January 17, 2013

AND I’M REACHING OUT… FOR MY CAPS LOCK KEY!

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the title of this movie. We have had a horror house based on every geographical landscape,material and feature known to the human race at this point. I’ll even make some of them into an nice ordered list for you.

1: House on a haunted hill,
Number 2: Last house on the left,
Thursday: The house of Wax,
Yesterday: Big Momma’s house 2
and plenty of other horror films.

The film starts (as many do) with a credits roll(as many do) and then goes downhill to an earth-core-hell-like-level of cock and balls. Fear not both my fans however, revengeofthesurfboardingkillerbikinivampiregirls has such will that he made it through ALL of this film.. RIGHT till the end with only ONE ball sack stapled to his forehead…. but it was a close call(No really the bleeding was tremendous).

First problems first: The plot.
A mother called Sarah(Played by Elisabeth “The shue” Shue) and her daughter called Elissa(Played by Jennifer Lawrence) have moved home to this neighbourhood where the house at the side of the street(I just blew up) has played host to a muooorder. It seems the Daughter (Called Karen) was tired of her parents because they were listening to far too much Billy Ray Cyrus than the tolerated human quota and decided to kill them(it happens). Now her creepy brother Ryan lives there(Played by a man with less emotion than 0.69 milligram cardboard). Karen is living in Ryan’s basement and Elissa is showing affection towards Ryan, despite her mother’s(The Shue) disapprovment.

Somewhere at about 5.54 seconds into this, you’ll quickly begin to indentify the main problem with this film……..it’s shit.

Problem# 234?2 is the dialogue.
It’s like they blindfolded the screenwriter, tied him to a chair and slapped him in the back of the head with a twister board and had a group of onlookers try to decipher his concussed words. At one incredible point in the movie they have Elissa singing one of her “”””””””””””hit””””””(add an s)  songs where some of the words are “Woudn’t it be sweet if you could fall in love with me” “all you gotta do is fall in love””all you gotta do is fall in love””all you gotta do is fall in love” and (wait for it) “all you gotta do is fall in love”[written credits go to the songwriting genius who ctrl-V’d those lyrics together earlier that morning after a piss-up]. The film tries to hammer home the point she is TEH SHIT in music, like she even has her own MYSPACE rockband page.”WHOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” said the excited gerbil..

Your 678th problem is that there are a lot of scenes in this film that make no sense
like for an example: MOST OF THEM!
There is one where Ryan is sitting in a diner and the waitress asks him if he wants some free food….He mumbles something about needing acting lessons…….but then she offers him some free milk… he then mumbles something about polo shirts being back in……and the scene ends and I’m wondering where my pants went after I’d flung them across the cinema in excitement after such HARD-hitting suspense. SO HARD! I was flabbergasted after it, I had to take a bathroom break to check if my face was ok after being hit so HARD…
Seriously though I couldn’t give a flying shit if he wanted milk with his breasts, WHY did that scene have to happen? In fact most of the “character development” points have no point at all.
Elissa being a bono-like god at rock music despite being only able to sing in a flat key of Ab ( Just like Bono then…), her mother’s( The Shue) divorce from her father, her mother being a fairly piss-poor parent because she was a whore during her high-school days and thats just to name a few. This film is aids-ridden with pointless shite like that. Let’s ask Rihanna what she thinks of the directing style in this movie..

Rihanna[on the directing style in The house at the end of the Street]: “CLEARLY the director did not select techniques that create story parallelism and meta-fictional intertextuality”

I could go on listing what is wrong with this film , so I will…

Problem 1009.89( Round it off to the nearest decimel point) is Ryan. Ryan is the boy next door mental case who is Elissa’s love interest but…. imagine having to deal with this all the time..
Typical conversation with Ryan:

Elissa: I love your house it’s so big, there is so much space!
Ryan: That’s because everyone is dead…
Elissa: Am… ok.. this room is nice.
Ryan: I haven’t been in there for 4 years, that’s where my sister killed my parents. Come into the garden, take a look at this…
Elissa: Am nice tree?
Ryan: I see faces in this tree at dawn and that’s where my sister fell off her swing and got brain damage.
Elissa: Why do you stay up till Dawn anyway?
Ryan: Because dawn is where the unthought thoughts are thought the most..
Elissa: I love Dawn
Ryan: I’m not sure what love is anymore….

This sort of conversation happened about 6 times in the film. I nearly choked on the chair material in front of me from laughing.

He holds this face for the full 101 minutes runtime folks.

OH THE ENDING:
I KNEW there was going to be a twist at the end of this film as well because A) I’m a timeless genius who is able to tell the difference between bottle milk and carton just by the scent but less importantly B)….

IT SAYS IT IN THE FUCKING MOVIE POSTER!

I cannot go into words about how annoying this is so I’ll just spit on a nearby child in anger.
*spits*

The ending I came up with was actually better than what was laid. It’s so complicated to explain here in text, but I honestly didn’t know what happened. Basically Ryan is a pyscho all along( oh by the way SPOILERS) who accidentally killed his sister and has captured a random girl in his basement all along because of his guilt pretending it’s his dead sister……UGHHH.

Conclusion:
You know a film is bad when you( The audience) can conceive a better ending in the same time the last 30 minutes the film is running at. It takes no risks at all, it’s not NEARLY violent enough to justify being a 15a horror movie. Normally with movies like this, you get a group of teenagers that get picked off one-by-one but in this?… a mother and a daughter? Unless we had some creative writing, this was going to be difficult to pull off so does

FUCK NO!

Final words:
I would call it disappointing but when you go for number 2, you generally expect shit…

This film gets a slap of
 /10 CHAINSAWZ!
on the chainsaw rating scale!! 🙂

Dread 3d: The Judgement (HOHOHO!)

Posted on September 17, 2012

Dread 3d: The Judgement (HOHOHO!):

…….Hold on a shitting second?

The film began with an interesting story about a young man withBLAAAAAGH.. fuck it this movie has no plot and it’s proud of itself. This is a straight forward action movie where the character and his sidekick begin at the bottom of a tower and have to fight heir way to the top of the tower and it’s a good one too.

Battleship (The short review):

Posted on September 17, 2012

Battleship (The short review):

I lasted 49 minutes with battleship(the film) only to find there was an hour and a half left. I thought there was only 10 minutes left. I thought I was getting soft with films in my older age but fuck me hard that was some trollop. Nobody even said “they sunk my battleship” christ if your film is going to be bad they might as well give us the motherload like.

Summary:

pros: