Prometheus: The Review

Posted on June 11, 2012 Updated on June 11, 2012

” A barren wasteland.. a picture of despair and hopelessness….”
[James Cameron on Ridley Scott]

Prometheus: The Review

Ridley Scott really seems to have his hand in some metaphorical shit when he directs sequels doesn’t he? Remember Hannibal? You don’t?…… let’s move on..
Sequels obviously aren’t his strong spacesuit and that’s ok, apparantly neither are remakes because he directed “Robin Hood” ,which I heard was so boring you wished you had instead booked a plane to Switzerland and invested in a euthanasia suicide. Now of course we’re on prequels with promethues so I’m sure everyone is led to wonder how he will get on with this film? ( Spoiler alert:…….ugghhhhhhh)

It’s been less than 24 hours since I last saw the fucking movie and I couldn’t tell you a single character name without “wiking” my “pedia” and that’s not a good starsign( Ok I’ll stop this now). I mean there was that smoking guy who made teh smoke and made teh funny jokes and the girl with the white hair who complained a lot and stuff and other characters that camouflage into a a flat unimaginative ocean-grey wall. At least Hunger games sufficatingly bad as it was, dressed its characters up in “fuck off” bright colourful attire so you couldn’t miss them with 20:20 vision at close range with a bazooka.

Let revengeofthesurfboardingkillerbikinivampiregirls explain to you about something that REALLY makes me want to punch holes through a small child. Bad movie endings! Yes THAT old chestnut is been opened again….
A shedload of movies have been guilty of it lately. Exhibit A: Deathly Hallows part 2 where only clairevoyant space martians from the land of Oz could understand the thing(To be fair I blame most of this on J.k Rowling’s bad LSD comedown rather than David Yates’ “traffic” worthy directing) or Exhibit Z: Super 8 where it became self-aware half-way through and felt like it ended mid-sentence. It also only seems to happen to films with such enormous potential as well. I believe that the last 30 minutes of a film are mostly the most important of a movie(…..mostly). If it was Michael Fassbender doing his accounting spreadsheets for the first 1 hour of Prometheus, but had a jaw-to-the-basement ending then all will be forgiven. BUT believe it or not( Ripley’s… lol)… it doesn’t.

revengeofthesurfboardingkillerbikinivampiregirls’s physical reaction to bad endings in movies…

We’re 4 paragraphs in and I haven’t even touched on what the film is about yet…. and i won’t either I’ll let pikiwedia do that little work for  me. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prometheus_(film)#Plot
Don’t be surprised if the #plot part creates a broken link(OH SNAP!)

Let’s talk about some good in the movie. I’ll even put this in a nice ordered list for you.

1: T3h 5pec1al 3ff3cts are g00d
57: T3h Mus1c is G00d3r
3678?: Th3r3 ar3 s0me good scenes INIT!

There was a funny death scene in the movie involving a flame thrower, which I always enjoy but that’s typical of the Alien franchise. You couldn’t move from the throwing of flames in the first 2 films. They were just flaming(….).
That’s about it really. About 78.45 into the film I took a piss break, so unless an important plot point happened or michael Fassbender got his lad out, I missed nothing.

I’ve seen a lot of reviews defend this movie based on the fact it’s a “thinking mans” movie in a world where modern movies have to appeal to the “everyman” as well as the intelligent audience member. Ok fair enough, in a world of Michael Gay and that other one Roland Emmerdick or something, it IS nice and refreshing to have a movie that challenges the audience……except this isn’t it….. I’m led to believe that even the most basic scientific inaccuracies in this movie could put christianity to shame..
http://gizmodo.com/5917079/neil-degrasse-tyson-calls-out-prometheus-for-its-sketchy-science

Speaking of plotholes there are enough plot holes to fit the holocaust victims into. The plotholes in these kind of movies need to be fucking airtight. A movie that is a “thinking-mans” movie can’t have characters WITHOUT motivates or inconsistencies in the story. I’m very unsure about what the android’s motive was for instance. I understand that it was programmed by Waylon but was it to kill the doctors or not? At this point in the film I was too busy testing the vibration settings on my phone down a leg of my trousers so I lost a bit of interest. What do you expect though when you get Damon Lindelof to write a script though. Let’s just say it’s no wonder we felt a little bit “””””’lost””””””’.

In terms of acting, Michael Fassbender is the most emotive and therefore interesting character in this movie and he’s a fucking android. How does that EVEN happen? Did Ridley walk into the studio everyday,look into the mirror and say to himself “I am not going to direct today….. I don’t know what I’m going to do but directing isn’t going to be it”.
I could direct a better toasting session!

All references to the Alien franchise should have been removed also, I can’t really tell you what they are without spoiling the movie though, but let’s just say I truly believed we had gotten past the “and-there-is-1-creature-that-you-forgot-to-kill-and-will-probably-be-back-for-a-sequel-depending-on-how-well-THIS-movie-does-so-fuck-you” ending made famous by classics like Godzilla(1998) and the super mario brothers movie(1993) but It’s present here in mind-blowing 3 dimensions.

Sigh I suppose it could be 100 times worse to be fair. Like battleship or something…

Rihanna[on the directing style in battleship]: “I personally believe that in this movie the director has selected techniques that create story parallelism and meta-fictional intertextuality”(… I can’t argue with that)

Prometheus simply felt like it didn’t know what it wanted to be. “Alien”(1979) can be classified as a Sci-Fi horror and “aliens”(1986) as a Sci-fi action flick and both do their job admirably. This wanted to combine both and it felt strange and confused at times, especially the last 30 minutes. The characters are fairly weak as it’s attempt at comedy but that can be forgiven. The overall story has balls but doesn’t feel like it finishes properly. I understand that it wants an element of Theology and mystery to it but you still feel empty and I really think it will be remembered as a misfire in the franchise.

Verdict:
7/10 chainsaws on the chainsaw rating scale( copyright (c)revengeofthesurfboardingkillerbikinivampiregirls)!